It's Not a Problem

Writing this to convince myself; situational reframe; regret in grief; enoughness and how it corresponds to creativity; a repeat lipstick

A few months ago I read “Trusting the Gold” by Tara Brach, a book of super short essays on themes of Truth, Love, and Freedom with really beautiful accompanying art. If you’re not familiar with Tara Brach, she has been teaching meditation since 1975 and you have likely seen her book “Radical Acceptance” around, heard her on a podcast, or even taken a mediation course with her. I find her perspective to be deeply comforting and true when my spirit encounters it, and I think she carries a real energy of deep peace. Trusting the Gold washed over me like a cup of chamomile, all of the essays sort of blending together to create a warmth. All but one, which keeps returning to me, as if asking to be mined more deeply. Put into practice perhaps. This essay is called “Not a Problem.”

Before I dive in, I want to note that of course, there are infinite capital ‘P’ Problems in this world! I do not condone spiritual bypass, but I do think to absorb the message of the essay it’s wise to consider it more in terms of our internal landscapes and how living into this principle internally will inevitably create positive outward change in all ways, with the result of solving real Problems along the way.

So I want to tell you about this essay, this concept, and then apply it to our creative and emotional lives, which by now you may have sensed, I think are one and the same. I’ll delve into how the concept made a connection in my brain to regret in grief, which feels highly personal to me, and therefore will be for paid subscribers only. Thank you so much for supporting this work, and for going on this journey <3

In the essay, Brach recalls studying with Joseph Goldstein and him saying, “Every time I think there is a problem, I decide there isn’t one.”

Look, I know, a man saying oh, look a problem! Nah! It isn’t one! I’ll go on my merry way, is beyond triggering but this is where we must hunker down into the nuance of the message, because thankfully, there is a lot here. Brach breaks it down by saying “When we label some situation as a “problem” we easily get caught inside our “small self.” The mind tightens and we see things from only one perspective. But when we can let go of that negative frame, we can begin to unwind our stories and conclusions and start seeing a situation from a fresh and hopefully more expansive and loving perspective.

The mind tightens. I really feel that.

She describes dealing with a tricky sibling situation around an inherited property and trying the concept out—every time the conflict came to mind, which indeed felt like a giant Problem, she would say “It is not resolved, it is difficult, it is sticky, but it is not a problem.”

By deciding that what she was facing wasn’t a problem, more space was created around the issue mentally and heart-wise. She was able to operate with more openness because by removing that limiting frame (and linguistically, just shifting away from a word with total negative connotations for our brain—when I think problem, I spring right into defense, bad feelings, resentment, exhaustion) we loosen the grasp around the story we’re telling ourselves about the situation, and there really does become more space or the potential for more space. And what happens with more space?

Well, anything. Solution, understanding, a pivot, a creative response that before seemed out of reach, or maybe nothing. Sometimes no immediate response is actually the best course.

When my mom was in her final few weeks of earth life (I only know this in hindsight of course, because she died rather unexpectedly) I was busy figuring out a host of Problems related to a series of sudden change in her situation. The problems were many, and felt impossible to overcome. Just try dealing with Albuquerque adult protective services over the phone. Just try helping someone who is too frozen to accept your help. All major Problems, and I was riled up with frustration at all hours, for weeks (and also a lifetime) hitting dead end after dead end with both the systems that be, and most frustratingly, my mother herself. Just when we’d take a step forward she would catapult ten steps back. The truth I could not accept in the moment was that she did not want to participate in her own journey anymore. She wanted a magical solution and the solutions I was coming up with were far from that. Meanwhile I was locked into my role as the fixer, the boss, the mother, and she in her role as my rebellious child who finally just needed to listen to me, for God’s sake.

Our conversations around this time as you might imagine, sucked.